Humour, Maritime or otherwise

[David Fox]

The Front Fell Off!

https://youtu.be/3m5qxZm_JqM

Sent to me by Lorne Taylor

Has anybody got any more?

US Oil Spill' in the same vein, perhaps a sore one.
https://youtu.be/ClvLp4vXJ5I

[Jim Blake]

Added on behalf of David Fox, whose computing hardware is experiencing "issues"

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[David Fox]

THE COVID IS RAGING
MY LIFE IS A MESS
I LIVE IN PYJAMAS
AND DON’T HAVE TO DRESS

I’M IN ISOLATION
JUST STAYING AT HOME
AND WOULD GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR
TO BE FREE TO ROAM

I’M SERIOUSLY AT RISK
(OR THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY)
TELLING ME TO STAY IN
AND NOT GO OUT EACH DAY

IN MY HEAD I’M SO YOUNG
THOUGH MY LICENCE REVEALS
I’M A 70-PLUS SENIOR
(BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT FEELS!)

WHEN I RUN OUT OF FOOD
AND DELIVERIES ARE LATE
I HAVE TO BUY GROCERIES
BETWEEN 7 AND 8

SO EARLY IN THE MORNING
I HEAD OUT TO RESTOCK
AND DISCOVER A LINE UP
THAT WINDS ‘ROUND THE BLOCK

SOCIAL DISTANCING SENIORS
ALL 6 FEET APART
MAKE ME WONDER JUST WHEN
I BECAME AN OLD FART

MY MEALS ARE REPETITIVE
(A LOT LIKE MY GAS!)
AND I’M TIRED OF DISCUSSING
WHY TRUMP IS AN ASS

MY LATEST NEW OUTFIT
IS GLOVES AND A MASK
AND I’M STARTING TO WONDER
IF I’M UP TO THIS TASK

I WASH ALL MY GROCERIES
ALL FRUIT, MEAT AND VEG.......
WILL THIS ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION
TIP ME OVER THE EDGE?

MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR
HAS WIDE ROOTS OF GREY
NO HAIRDRESSERS AROUND
TO HELP WASH THEM AWAY

I’VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF
NOW I’M ANSWERING BACK
IS IT MONDAY OR FRIDAY
I’VE REALLY LOST TRACK

I’VE STOPPED DOING HOUSEWORK
IT’S WEEKS SINCE I’VE DUSTED
AND I KNOW WITHOUT VISITORS
I’LL NEVER GET BUSTED

I FACETIME MY FRIENDS
OR WE GROUP CHAT ON ZOOM
AND TRY TO PRETEND
WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM

THANK GOD LIQUOR STORES
ARE CONSIDERED ‘ESSENTIAL’
WITHOUT DAILY DRINKS
THIS WOULD DRIVE US ALL MENTAL

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
IT IS GOOD TO REFLECT
ON WHAT THIS ALL MEANS
AND WHAT WE CAN EXPECT

IT’S A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL
FOR ALL THAT WE’VE GOT
LIKE A WARM HOUSE AND FOOD
THAT OTHERS HAVE NOT

THE BOTTOM LINE HERE
BY THE TIME THIS ALL ENDS
IS THAT WE’LL GET THROUGH IT
WITH OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

SO EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER IS A BIT OF A GRUMP
YOU CAN REALLY BE GRATEFUL
YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO TRUMP!

Anon
She must have had a lot of time on her hands

[David Fox]

Everytime I cough in front of my computer it goes into an Anti-Virus scan.

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[David Fox]

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[David Fox]

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An Evergreen superboxboat that Gerry Cooper passed in the Panama Canal last week.
Perhaps the Ever Given ( of Suez fame) should be renamed Cost a Fortune as it is being fined just short of $ Billion. So its going to be one egg a week per man for sometime to pay for that and perhaps BOT minimum victualing.

[David Fox]

Later life decisions

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[David Fox]

Found on Ships Nostalgia, thought worth sharing.

I recall a Captain asking the Ch. Lecky if he had found the earth on the board. Lecky replied, 'Yes Sir, found it last night so I put it in a flower pot on the boat deck'

That is where he would plant his "bulbs".

On a discussion about braid, colours and livery between companies.

The distinguishing colours indicate that Officer's particular area of expertise. That's why Deck Officers don't have any.
Ouch! Who threw that???

Boris is on the phone to HM Queen, " Yes I did drive a truck during the war. Why do you ask?"

[David Fox]

A few funnies sent to me by one of our band of brothers from down under.

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Sounds like a Boris sound bite.

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[David Fox]

Twas the night before Christmas, but Covid was here,
So we all had to stay extra cautious this year.
Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care
In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare.


With Covid, we couldn't leave cookies or cake
So we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.
The children were sleeping, the brave little tots.
The ones over 5 had just had their first shots,

And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap
Had just settled in for a long winter's nap.
But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds
As visions of variants danced in our heads.

Gamma and Delta and now Omicron:
These Covid mutations that go on and on.
I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better,
I'll soon be familiar with every Greek letter."

Then just as I started to drift off and doze,
A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose.
I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair
I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.


His N 95 made him look pretty weird,
But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard.
I kept six feet away but blurted out quick
"What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?"

Then I said, "Where's your presents, your reindeer and sleigh?
Don't you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day?"
And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow
As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.

He said he'd been stuck at the North Pole alone.
All his white collar elves had been working from home,
And most of the others said "Santa, don't hire us!
We can live off the CERB now, thanks to the virus."

Those left in the toyshop had little to do,
With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new.
And as for the reindeer, they'd all gone away;
None of them left to pull on his sleigh.

He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine,
Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine,
Comet and Cupid were in ICU,

So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.
And Rudolph's career can't be resurrected.
With his shiny red nose, they all think he's infected.

Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn't go far.
Every border to cross needs a new PCR.

Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be
If children could once again sit on his knee.

He couldn't care less if they're naughty or nice
But they'd have to show proof that they'd had their shot twice.


But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes,
And he said that he'd brought me a Christmas surprise.
When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide,
Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.

Some letters whirled round and flew up to the sky
And they spelled out a word that was 40 feet high.
There first was an H, then an O, then a P,
Then I saw it spelled HOPE when it added the E.


"Christmas magic" said Santa as he smiled through his beard.
Then suddenly all of the reindeer appeared.
He jumped into his sleigh and he waved me good-bye,
Then he soared o'er the rooftops and into the sky.


I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Get your vaccines my friends, Merry Christmas, good-night."


Then I went back to bed and a sweet Christmas dream
Of a world when we'd finished with COVID 19.